One

One and I started our new school journey this week and it was a difficult start. I thought this new school was the answer to all our issues. Instead it created new ones. The one room causes chaos in Ones head and the age difference in all the students causes him to struggle to make friends. Academically he's right up with the older kids. Socially he's with the younger kids. He can't seem to reach a medium. He had outbursts which led to me having to leave my position to go and collect him and bring him back.

 I finally looked past my denial and reached out for help. After many tears and lots of guilt the doctor and I came up with a plan. We started it this weekend to see if it will help in the classroom on Monday. Yesterday he sat still. He wasn't jumping he wasn't yelling. He didn't make this obnoxious noise that he makes when he gets worked up and is about to melt down. He didn't fight with his siblings. Today is day 2. I get to monitor and see how much it helps. 

I struggled so much with this decision so very much. As a single mom making life choices for your kids isn't something that you can get input on. This is something that I get to sit with myself and research on. Society places so much guilt on parents. However, my pediatrician comforted me in my guilt reminding me that it isn't because of something I did or didn't do, but because his brain is in fact wired this way. Sensory processing disorder, ADHD, and anxiety have led us here. If I'm being honest I can tell you the sensory processing is most certainly inherited from me. My quirks are his quirks. My sensory issues are his. The only difference is there was no help for me when I was a child. I was just taught to live with it. His doctor told me that she knows I have reached out and tried everything I could. I've asked for help from every avenue. This wasn't a spur of the moment decision it was a last resort. 

I know I'll get over the guilt when I can watch him flourish in social settings and I can see his personal growth. But for now I'm taking it one day at a time. Wondering and always questioning: am I doing this right? 

The pursuit of happiness...

What if I talk about myself for once. Take a look at my own life. Here I am on the verge of my 27th birthday and I know nothing. 10 years ago I thought I had my life figured out. I thought I would marry my high school sweetheart. We would build our life together and raise kids. I'd be a social worker by now. Saving kids from lives I thought I'd know better than to raise kids in. I'd have the white picket fence, fancy clothes, happy healthy kids. I got one thing right. My kids are happy, mostly healthy, and amazing. 

I'm glad I never got married. I didn't spend the large amount of money to impress a few hundred people just to have it fail. I'm glad we fell flat on our faces. I'm not thankful for the few times I was dragged through the mud for his own search for happiness. I can't say I've been much better. For the people who can make the high school sweethearts thing work that is amazing and I applaud you. For those who are kicking themselves because they couldn't, don't beat yourself up. It isn't in the cards for everyone. We tried. We were two completely different souls looking for happiness in the wrong place. I think you can love someone and still hurt them. I do. I think when everyone says, "well if he hurt you then he didn't love you!" they are wrong and trying to change the facts. I think he loves me. I also think that maybe he loves his own needs a little more. I think that's ok. I've accepted it. I wish he could! I think as humans we search for what makes us truly happy. I think we find things that grant temporary happiness and instead of letting them teach us and letting go, we cling to them. We cling to the comfort and the sameness of the situation. It took me a long time to realize you can be truly happy with someone and then grow apart. It sucks. I loved him truly and deeply. More than myself most days. But I also love his need for happiness. I need him to be happy. I need to be happy. 

So why now, at 27, am I just realizing that? Maybe it's my age. Maybe it's the life lessons. Maybe it's just the realization that I cannot keep allowing myself to believe that we are still the same kids we were at 16 and 18! I have the ability to grow from all of this. To build myself into a new stronger person. A happy person. I need to be happy. I'll get there. These 3 weeks have been amazing. I have made a schedule for the kids, learned not to be afraid to ask for help, gained new strong friendships, and grown. I want to keep growing. 

Onward and upward. Into a beautiful summer of 2016 ✌🏻️

Fresh start, new beginning.

It's been well over two years since I've last blogged. Since then lots has changed. I've graduated with my first associates degree. I've started a new job. I've stepped down from the new job. We have gotten small successes for 2's skin and major answers for 1's different quirks. 3 is still trucking along hanging on for the ride. It's been a rollercoaster. 

Their dad has taken a small hiatus. Our mutual decision. Things were toxic. I was toxic. There comes a point where you need to step back and look at yourself. If you're unhappy and its radiating off of you and causing issues for others then you definitely need to make some changes. I was at that point. I've never felt so angry but miserable at the same time. He was reacting so fiercely that it was an all out battle over the stupidest things. I'm not sure things will be repaired or if this is just a new way of life for us. Either way the last 3 weeks have been a breath of fresh air for me. It's hard to balance the 3 minis with all of our appointments and getting enough play time but he's been good at helping out as he can. 

1 was diagnosed with SPD (sensory processing disorder) it was amazing how many answers this gave us!! We figured out that a lot of his different behaviors and struggles in school were linked to the SPD. His school year was a living hell. That seems like an extreme explanation but it truly was. He was acting out, unable to sit still, and socially struggling. A majority of the schools response was aiming towards bad parenting and the necessity to medicate. I struggled from a moms point of view because it truly felt like I was failing as a parent. Why couldn't I control my son?? Well it turns out he can't even control himself. Big shocker there. I am still struggling with the schools lack of support!! 

2's skin is still a mystery. I am 99.9% sure it is in fact caused by the sun. It is legitimately the only thing that makes sense. We will be going to a new allergist in July and I will be standing strong and forcing them to test further. We have however managed to come up with some sort of regimen that at least keeps him mostly comfortable throughout the day. It takes 3 steroids, 2 tablet antihistamines, 1 liquid antihistamine, and a nasal spray but yeah doctors he's totally normal...my son should be a walking pharmacy! Don't get me started on the insurance/pharmacy leg of this adventure. I have had it with them!! 

3 has gotten her acceptance letter to school! She will start in the fall and I'll begin subbing at her and 2's school a few days a week! I am looking forward to starting a new adventure! It will be rewarding to have a hands on part in their education. I am truly looking forward to it.

Now that I've written out a quick little catch up I will be able to make posts that make sense with where we stand now. Onto summer 2016 ✌🏻️