You

Dear you, 

You didn't know what you were getting into did you?  You had no clue how fragile my heart was. How fucked up my mind was. You saw a pretty face. You read the funny texts. You knew there was baggage. You knew there was even a "few" kids involved.  You didn't know how deep all of it ran. But you stayed. You came into my life at a point where I had given up hope of the thought of ever having normal. I had given up my ideas that one day I'd find someone who would sweep me off my feet with his wit, sarcasm, and charm. His dedication to his job. His dedication to his family. And his ability to fix things. That's what you do though: you drink, know things, and occasionally fix things. 

I didn't know guys like you still existed. You told me these stories of how your exes had fought with you about things that seemed so trivial to me. They left you. How you couldn't be yourself. Then I met you and yourself is all I wanted you to be. 

You have this way about you that calms my soul. I could listen to you talk for hours. You've lived in ways I never had the chance to. You've given yourself away to girls who couldn't handle you. Fools. That's what they were. The way you hold my heart and the way you've started healing it has been the most incredible rollercoaster ride. If only they could have seen the bigger picture. They wouldn't have given you away so easily. But I am so glad they did. I'll forever be thankful for that. 

I love you. I love your laugh, I love your sarcasm, and I love how much you don't give a fuck. It's so easy to fall into your arms when you walk in from work. It's so easy to want to cook you a nice warm meal when you come home at night. It's easy to be open with you and show you things I've never given anyone before. You baby, you make life easy. You've given me more than I could have asked for and it's only the beginning. I cannot wait to see what life has in store for us. If there is such a thing as a soulmate well then I think I may have just found mine. 

New chapters

I'm up early this morning. Sitting here thinking about this chapter of my life. It's Father's Day and the father of my children is supposed to be picking them up to spend the day with them. I haven't heard from him in days. Our middle sons doctors called and gave me some pretty big medical news. I tried to call and text to discuss this with the other adult and received zero response. How can you step out of the picture like this? How can you be so content in your own life that you don't care about your kids lives?  He had them for 3 overnights last week. It was the longest 3 nights of my life. Sure it was a small break but it was the first time in 7 years that I had been away from my kids for any length of time. Now I can't tell you if that arrangement will stick. He hasn't mentioned it again. But I secretly hope it doesn't. I'm selfish in the way that I want my kids with me. They're taken care of and looked after 24/7 here. I don't know what goes on over there and that lack of control kills me.  I'm willing to give him a few over nights here and there but anything more might kill me.  It's summer now and I want them here with me. They're relearning and rebuilding their own lives after the disaster that was their dad moving out. I want to be with them to help them adjust and become ok with the arrangement. It hasn't been easy by any means but it has also been a breath of fresh air. 

Moving on to another section of this chapter: JP. There was a time in my life when I had decided no one would ever come along that would get me. Not as a mom, not as my emotional myself, and definitely not my physical self. I've always been so critical of myself and in such a closed off mode that I had given up looking for a guy who gets me. Then JP came along. He loves me, he loves my kids, and he tolerates my dog. He makes me laugh harder than I have in years! It's genuinely the most incredible feeling. Many years ago my best friend and I sat down and created this list of all the things we wanted in a husband. Our lists were quite different. Mine included things like: builds things, works hard, makes me laugh, and of course handsome. Oh how I searched for this man. Settling here and there. Finally settling for the longest darkest part of my life where I lost everything I was. Now though, now I'm finding myself again. My love for life has grown so much. Im happy and laughing. This guy has been around and somehow we never ran into each other. We somehow managed to date all the wrong people and try to force ourselves to be happy when all we needed to do was find each other!  This leads me to believe timing really is everything. Waiting and being patient could have saved me a lifetime of pain and heartache. But had I waited I wouldn't have had my beautiful kids. So instead of questioning why, I'll sit here and soak up this feeling. I don't know if this will stick. I don't know if he'll be "the one" but I think I'll be pretty damn happy if he is. Until that point though I'll keeping learning to love life again and keep rebuilding myself into a stronger kinder person.  My heart is finally learning to be whole again and it's about damn time.