New chapters

I'm up early this morning. Sitting here thinking about this chapter of my life. It's Father's Day and the father of my children is supposed to be picking them up to spend the day with them. I haven't heard from him in days. Our middle sons doctors called and gave me some pretty big medical news. I tried to call and text to discuss this with the other adult and received zero response. How can you step out of the picture like this? How can you be so content in your own life that you don't care about your kids lives?  He had them for 3 overnights last week. It was the longest 3 nights of my life. Sure it was a small break but it was the first time in 7 years that I had been away from my kids for any length of time. Now I can't tell you if that arrangement will stick. He hasn't mentioned it again. But I secretly hope it doesn't. I'm selfish in the way that I want my kids with me. They're taken care of and looked after 24/7 here. I don't know what goes on over there and that lack of control kills me.  I'm willing to give him a few over nights here and there but anything more might kill me.  It's summer now and I want them here with me. They're relearning and rebuilding their own lives after the disaster that was their dad moving out. I want to be with them to help them adjust and become ok with the arrangement. It hasn't been easy by any means but it has also been a breath of fresh air. 

Moving on to another section of this chapter: JP. There was a time in my life when I had decided no one would ever come along that would get me. Not as a mom, not as my emotional myself, and definitely not my physical self. I've always been so critical of myself and in such a closed off mode that I had given up looking for a guy who gets me. Then JP came along. He loves me, he loves my kids, and he tolerates my dog. He makes me laugh harder than I have in years! It's genuinely the most incredible feeling. Many years ago my best friend and I sat down and created this list of all the things we wanted in a husband. Our lists were quite different. Mine included things like: builds things, works hard, makes me laugh, and of course handsome. Oh how I searched for this man. Settling here and there. Finally settling for the longest darkest part of my life where I lost everything I was. Now though, now I'm finding myself again. My love for life has grown so much. Im happy and laughing. This guy has been around and somehow we never ran into each other. We somehow managed to date all the wrong people and try to force ourselves to be happy when all we needed to do was find each other!  This leads me to believe timing really is everything. Waiting and being patient could have saved me a lifetime of pain and heartache. But had I waited I wouldn't have had my beautiful kids. So instead of questioning why, I'll sit here and soak up this feeling. I don't know if this will stick. I don't know if he'll be "the one" but I think I'll be pretty damn happy if he is. Until that point though I'll keeping learning to love life again and keep rebuilding myself into a stronger kinder person.  My heart is finally learning to be whole again and it's about damn time. 

I stayed

I stayed. 

I grew up with this fantasy idea. Falling in love with someone who respects you and loves you for you. I thought that was how everyone was wired. I was wrong. High school was an example of that. All of these guys trying to pressure girls into giving themselves to them. Handing over their bodies. Why? Because that's what society says is normal now. Having sex in high school is normal. Being with multiple partners is normal. And maybe in some sense it could be. But for me it wasn't. I wanted to marry the man I gave myself to. I dated a few jerks and they all said the same things "stop living in a world of rainbows and butterflies." "Nobody waits for marriage anymore." "Grow up and get over your stuck up ideas of love..." it was hard to hear these things. So I thought I found love. I settled for the first guy who said he loved me for me. He didn't. We had kids together. It's been a painful 12 years of what most would call emotional abuse. But I stayed. Why? Because I was stuck on this idea of what my life needed to be like. I gave myself to this man. The only man I could be with.  Stuck in my own head for years. Something he knew. 

I stayed through the holes in my walls. I stayed through the nights of tears as my phone blew up from people who saw him out with other girls. I stayed through the embarrassing trips to the doctors trying to explain how I got an STD while in a committed relationship. 

Sometimes when I think about the last 12 years I feel like it could be some painful nightmare. I'm stronger than staying. I'm stronger than accepting less than I deserved. But you know what? I wasn't strong enough. I'm strong enough now. I left. I walked away from the abuse. I closed the door. I'm walking tall in a direction away from everything that caused me pain. I'm offering up a peaceful agreement for my kids. An easy custody arrangement for whatever allows my kids to be the happiest. I don't want money. I don't want excuses. I want my freedom. I want my strength back. No one knows what I've been through because I keep it to myself. I am a private person because I wanted to be strong enough on my own. I don't want to need anyone. I realize now I do need people. I need my support system. I've built a pretty rocking one if you ask me. But I'll still face ridicule. I'll face cruelty for my decision to leave. But just know that this is me saying to you "I'm stronger than your words. I'm stronger than your actions. I am stronger." You can take whatever you want away from this but just know: I am stronger. 

Here we go again...

Writing. It's in my blood. My grandmother has always expressed her thoughts, feelings, and wants by writing about them. Either true stories about her with my grandfather or short romantic stories about her as a young girl. She has always had a story to write. One day she opened up her portfolio of stories and let me read them. I felt like I was stepping into another life. Her words flowed so well and the stories were short but sweet. She inspired me to put pen to paper or well fingers to keyboard. I have always wanted to express myself in written words but have never been confident enough to follow through. A few of these blog posts here and there. An occasional rant on facebook. But never a solid written thought followed through with continued posts. Today however, I'll be beginning to step back into the world of writing and trying to push myself out of the small shell of a comfort zone that I live in. 

I can't even begin to tell you where I am in my life right now. The rollercoaster always seems to leave the station and head for the highest peak before I come rushing down into a comfortable spot for a brief period. Right now though I am teetering on that peak waiting for the relief from this financial burden that is my truck, the emotional train wreck that is my custody battle, and trying to find a balance in my social life and my life as a mom. To say I feel like my next breath will depend on when the cart goes crashing down this hill is an understatement. I'm not sure what's going to happen next. That fear can either control you or motivate you and right now I'm trying to let it motivate me. So here we go....

One

One and I started our new school journey this week and it was a difficult start. I thought this new school was the answer to all our issues. Instead it created new ones. The one room causes chaos in Ones head and the age difference in all the students causes him to struggle to make friends. Academically he's right up with the older kids. Socially he's with the younger kids. He can't seem to reach a medium. He had outbursts which led to me having to leave my position to go and collect him and bring him back.

 I finally looked past my denial and reached out for help. After many tears and lots of guilt the doctor and I came up with a plan. We started it this weekend to see if it will help in the classroom on Monday. Yesterday he sat still. He wasn't jumping he wasn't yelling. He didn't make this obnoxious noise that he makes when he gets worked up and is about to melt down. He didn't fight with his siblings. Today is day 2. I get to monitor and see how much it helps. 

I struggled so much with this decision so very much. As a single mom making life choices for your kids isn't something that you can get input on. This is something that I get to sit with myself and research on. Society places so much guilt on parents. However, my pediatrician comforted me in my guilt reminding me that it isn't because of something I did or didn't do, but because his brain is in fact wired this way. Sensory processing disorder, ADHD, and anxiety have led us here. If I'm being honest I can tell you the sensory processing is most certainly inherited from me. My quirks are his quirks. My sensory issues are his. The only difference is there was no help for me when I was a child. I was just taught to live with it. His doctor told me that she knows I have reached out and tried everything I could. I've asked for help from every avenue. This wasn't a spur of the moment decision it was a last resort. 

I know I'll get over the guilt when I can watch him flourish in social settings and I can see his personal growth. But for now I'm taking it one day at a time. Wondering and always questioning: am I doing this right? 

The pursuit of happiness...

What if I talk about myself for once. Take a look at my own life. Here I am on the verge of my 27th birthday and I know nothing. 10 years ago I thought I had my life figured out. I thought I would marry my high school sweetheart. We would build our life together and raise kids. I'd be a social worker by now. Saving kids from lives I thought I'd know better than to raise kids in. I'd have the white picket fence, fancy clothes, happy healthy kids. I got one thing right. My kids are happy, mostly healthy, and amazing. 

I'm glad I never got married. I didn't spend the large amount of money to impress a few hundred people just to have it fail. I'm glad we fell flat on our faces. I'm not thankful for the few times I was dragged through the mud for his own search for happiness. I can't say I've been much better. For the people who can make the high school sweethearts thing work that is amazing and I applaud you. For those who are kicking themselves because they couldn't, don't beat yourself up. It isn't in the cards for everyone. We tried. We were two completely different souls looking for happiness in the wrong place. I think you can love someone and still hurt them. I do. I think when everyone says, "well if he hurt you then he didn't love you!" they are wrong and trying to change the facts. I think he loves me. I also think that maybe he loves his own needs a little more. I think that's ok. I've accepted it. I wish he could! I think as humans we search for what makes us truly happy. I think we find things that grant temporary happiness and instead of letting them teach us and letting go, we cling to them. We cling to the comfort and the sameness of the situation. It took me a long time to realize you can be truly happy with someone and then grow apart. It sucks. I loved him truly and deeply. More than myself most days. But I also love his need for happiness. I need him to be happy. I need to be happy. 

So why now, at 27, am I just realizing that? Maybe it's my age. Maybe it's the life lessons. Maybe it's just the realization that I cannot keep allowing myself to believe that we are still the same kids we were at 16 and 18! I have the ability to grow from all of this. To build myself into a new stronger person. A happy person. I need to be happy. I'll get there. These 3 weeks have been amazing. I have made a schedule for the kids, learned not to be afraid to ask for help, gained new strong friendships, and grown. I want to keep growing. 

Onward and upward. Into a beautiful summer of 2016 ✌🏻️

Fresh start, new beginning.

It's been well over two years since I've last blogged. Since then lots has changed. I've graduated with my first associates degree. I've started a new job. I've stepped down from the new job. We have gotten small successes for 2's skin and major answers for 1's different quirks. 3 is still trucking along hanging on for the ride. It's been a rollercoaster. 

Their dad has taken a small hiatus. Our mutual decision. Things were toxic. I was toxic. There comes a point where you need to step back and look at yourself. If you're unhappy and its radiating off of you and causing issues for others then you definitely need to make some changes. I was at that point. I've never felt so angry but miserable at the same time. He was reacting so fiercely that it was an all out battle over the stupidest things. I'm not sure things will be repaired or if this is just a new way of life for us. Either way the last 3 weeks have been a breath of fresh air for me. It's hard to balance the 3 minis with all of our appointments and getting enough play time but he's been good at helping out as he can. 

1 was diagnosed with SPD (sensory processing disorder) it was amazing how many answers this gave us!! We figured out that a lot of his different behaviors and struggles in school were linked to the SPD. His school year was a living hell. That seems like an extreme explanation but it truly was. He was acting out, unable to sit still, and socially struggling. A majority of the schools response was aiming towards bad parenting and the necessity to medicate. I struggled from a moms point of view because it truly felt like I was failing as a parent. Why couldn't I control my son?? Well it turns out he can't even control himself. Big shocker there. I am still struggling with the schools lack of support!! 

2's skin is still a mystery. I am 99.9% sure it is in fact caused by the sun. It is legitimately the only thing that makes sense. We will be going to a new allergist in July and I will be standing strong and forcing them to test further. We have however managed to come up with some sort of regimen that at least keeps him mostly comfortable throughout the day. It takes 3 steroids, 2 tablet antihistamines, 1 liquid antihistamine, and a nasal spray but yeah doctors he's totally normal...my son should be a walking pharmacy! Don't get me started on the insurance/pharmacy leg of this adventure. I have had it with them!! 

3 has gotten her acceptance letter to school! She will start in the fall and I'll begin subbing at her and 2's school a few days a week! I am looking forward to starting a new adventure! It will be rewarding to have a hands on part in their education. I am truly looking forward to it.

Now that I've written out a quick little catch up I will be able to make posts that make sense with where we stand now. Onto summer 2016 ✌🏻️ 

Long nights short days...

Man, lately it has been a rollercoaster.  Stress for everyone.  Sweet 2 has had a skin breakout that has lasted 3 weeks.  Its been the longest, hardest, and most emotional 3 weeks of my life.  No one was listening to me.  I have had zero medical help.  I called one of the big university hospitals here and BAM they were there, holding my hand.  I was about to cry on the phone when they said they would help (after being denied at a different hospital).  This is the break I have been praying for.  I can feel it.  I can feel God working through this.
Lately I've been back in church.  I am having a love hate relationship with it.  Its wonderful to be hearing the worship and the word of God but its hard being in the same room with everyone who had my life planned out in a completely different direction than it has come.  It lays on the guilt.  I do not regret a single moment in my life though.  I am happy.  I love my kids and I love my sweet yet VERY annoying SO.
He's currently on my bad side.  We have both been pushed over the edge with this entire sweet 2 situation.  It has not been easy communicating about money, medicine, appointments, or even dinner.  I love him and clearly am not going to let up without a fight but hes so good at pushing me away.  Im counting down the hours, minutes, and seconds until we can come up from under this wave of stress.
We see our allergist on monday and then head down to the big place on thursday.  Im praying and reminding myself to have FAITH that this is where we need to be.  I just wish these next few days would fly by.  It isnt easy being green.
Im going to try and write more often once we start seeing our new doctors. I want to keep a record of how things progress and what decisions are made.  I actually pulled my ipad up here and am going to get my blog on there so access is easier.  One day I'm going to make this a daily thing and I am going to stay on top of it.