I stayed

I stayed. 

I grew up with this fantasy idea. Falling in love with someone who respects you and loves you for you. I thought that was how everyone was wired. I was wrong. High school was an example of that. All of these guys trying to pressure girls into giving themselves to them. Handing over their bodies. Why? Because that's what society says is normal now. Having sex in high school is normal. Being with multiple partners is normal. And maybe in some sense it could be. But for me it wasn't. I wanted to marry the man I gave myself to. I dated a few jerks and they all said the same things "stop living in a world of rainbows and butterflies." "Nobody waits for marriage anymore." "Grow up and get over your stuck up ideas of love..." it was hard to hear these things. So I thought I found love. I settled for the first guy who said he loved me for me. He didn't. We had kids together. It's been a painful 12 years of what most would call emotional abuse. But I stayed. Why? Because I was stuck on this idea of what my life needed to be like. I gave myself to this man. The only man I could be with.  Stuck in my own head for years. Something he knew. 

I stayed through the holes in my walls. I stayed through the nights of tears as my phone blew up from people who saw him out with other girls. I stayed through the embarrassing trips to the doctors trying to explain how I got an STD while in a committed relationship. 

Sometimes when I think about the last 12 years I feel like it could be some painful nightmare. I'm stronger than staying. I'm stronger than accepting less than I deserved. But you know what? I wasn't strong enough. I'm strong enough now. I left. I walked away from the abuse. I closed the door. I'm walking tall in a direction away from everything that caused me pain. I'm offering up a peaceful agreement for my kids. An easy custody arrangement for whatever allows my kids to be the happiest. I don't want money. I don't want excuses. I want my freedom. I want my strength back. No one knows what I've been through because I keep it to myself. I am a private person because I wanted to be strong enough on my own. I don't want to need anyone. I realize now I do need people. I need my support system. I've built a pretty rocking one if you ask me. But I'll still face ridicule. I'll face cruelty for my decision to leave. But just know that this is me saying to you "I'm stronger than your words. I'm stronger than your actions. I am stronger." You can take whatever you want away from this but just know: I am stronger.