The ever changing tide continues...

I feel like I always find myself wanting to write but I never have the actual time to do so.  A lot has happened since I last sat down to write.  That seems to be the theme here.  I don't write as often as I'd like and BAM everything piles up and I have so much to write about.  

Since the new year began I have gotten engaged, decided to change jobs one last time, and put a hold on returning to college until I truly know what degree I'd like to pursue.  Its been a year since Jake and I have met and he is incredible.  He has taken on a strong parenting role with my kids and refers to them as his own now.  He has asked me to take his last name and of course that is a day that can't come fast enough.  He has brought so much fresh air and sunlight into our lives that I can't even remember what life was like before him.  

I have decided after an almost solid 4 months at headstart, that I am not cut out for that style of teaching or that age of kids.  It is one of the most difficult jobs I have ever had.  I reached out to my previous boss and let her know how interested I was in returning to the school.  She offered me my previous position and full time hours through the end of the school year.  I was relieved to have that opportunity to return.  Next school year I will have all 3 of my kids attending the school so it will be great to just drive to school with them and stay.  

Now for an update on the coparenting homefront.  I have learned a lot and realized that copareting with a narcissist doesn't work.  I am just floating along and tiptoeing around him to prevent a blow up.  We return to our final court date in May and from there hopefully things will smooth out.  He informed me last week that him and his current girlfriend are now expecting their own child.  To say I'm surprised would be a lie.  With all the other actions and poor decisions he has made it was truly just a matter of time.  I say that with a feeling of sadness though.  Sadness for my own children.  This chaos he has put them through was hard enough but now to throw another child into their lives is a little careless.  All I can do is try to explain to them what this means and love them through it.  I cannot imagine it will be an easy transition for them.  I cant say that Jake and I haven't talked about having a child of our own because of course we have.  He doesn't have any children of his own and I would love to share in that intimate life decision with him more than anything however, we will at that time be married and together for a while.  Life is a crazy ride and we are really just here going with the flow that our decisions lead us to.  

There are days where I sit and my anxiety has me flashed forward years to where my kids will have that court given choice to where they choose where they want to spend a majority of their time.  I am terrified.  I realize that the days for that are years away but still in the silence when they are gone with their dad I imagine that being my every day reality and I don't want that.  I remind myself that all I can do is build them a life where they are always welcomed, always loved, and always offered a roof over their head.  I want my door to always be open for my kids.  I want their thoughts when they are scared or confused to be, "I need to call mom so she can help me figure this out."  Or if they need help I want them to always search me out and know that I will do whatever I can to protect them.  Parenting is hard.  The fact that it is 2018 and they still don't have handbooks for this is ridiculous haha.  But truly, no one really tells you how much of your time you'll spend wondering if you're doing this right or if you are loving your kids enough.  I wouldn't trade being a mom for anything in the world though.  It is the happiest role I have in my life right now.  

If anyone out there is struggling with the same situation just know that if you're worried about if you're doing it right then you probably are already doing the best you can for your kids.  

Hopefully it wont be too long before I can get back on here to update! And who knows, maybe the next time I get on it might actually be spring time and maybe the snow will be melted!  Fingers crossed! 

My anxiety sometimes has anxiety...

There are some days that I wake up and I don't hear from my anxiety once.  My day goes smoothly, the kids get along, and nothing seems to stand in my way.  Then there are days where my anxiety is what wakes me up.  I wake up in a sweat or unable to breathe.  Anxiety is unfortunately part of me.  It is wired into my brain and twisted up in my DNA.  My grandma struggles with her anxiety daily.  She doesn't sleep, she spends some days in a cloud of panic, and there are some things that are so small that will set it off for her.  She is undoubtedly one of the strongest women in my life.  She has made it through her 72 years of her life without medications.  She has held herself together without reaching out.  As a child I saw her anxiety in a different light.  I saw her anxiety as her just caring a little more than others.  I saw her request for a phone call when I arrived home safely as just her caring.  I didn't realize that if I didnt call it would eat her alive.  Now, as a mom I can put myself in her shoes.  I get anxiety as my boyfriend leaves for work.  His job isn't one that just anyone could do.  He does put himself in the front lines of danger.  When 9:55 comes around I begin to pace a little, waiting for him to get home.  He recently told me of  a coworker being attacked at work and that has made things worse.  
Aside from that every Thursday (on the thursdays their dad can be a functional adult) I have to say goodbye to my kids.  I say goodbye to them for 2 full days.  I go home from work to a quiet house.  Its deafening most days.  I find busy work or I find friends to spend some time with.   Every third thursday or so, its date night.  We head to town and grab dinner.  We wander around meijer and try to keep ourselves busy.  During the times that they are gone my anxiety is on high alert.  Watching my phone in case something happens.  Anxiety can be tricky though.  It disguises itself in many different ways.  A tight chest, exhaustion, insomnia, fast heart rate, irritability.  These are just a few that I have more often than not. Tightness of chest gets me almost every single time.  I feel like I am suffocating.  The only thing I can do to stop it is to breathe.  Deep, slow breaths.  I should get medication.  Truly and honestly I know I would benefit from it.  I might be a better more, a more patient teacher, a happier girlfriend.  But there are always the side effects that could make things worse.  When I chose to try medicine 10 years ago, the first few I tried were terrible.  I got headaches, I was tired, dizzy, and unable to motivate myself.  The medicine that was successful was Paxil.  It did everything I needed it to.  The annoying anxious voice in the back of my mind was quiet.  I was fun, outgoing, and had energy!  I didn't feel like I was suffocating.  However, I do sometimes think that the way it altered my brain while using it, lead me to make decisions that werent the best.  That small thought is what keeps me from trying it again.  So for now I do exactly what they tell you not to: I rely on myself to pull through.  I breath, count to 10, and focus on anything but the monster living in my mind.  I am thankful that my boyfriend knows how often my anxiety gets the best of me and he does what he can to remind me that I am going to be ok, I am doing the best I can, and I deserve to be happy.  
I realize not everyone can have this sort of support system so I am asking that if anxiety is something that drags you down, ruins your days, and hurts your life then please dont be afraid to reach out to a doctor.  If you had a broken arm would you just leave it and hope for the best?  No, you would go to the doctor for help.  Please realize that these medications are there to help you repair your mind.  They are there to strengthen you.  Fuck society and the bullshit out there regarding mental help.  You deserve to have a happy healthy mind.  

wake me up when September ends....

        Where do I start?  Well its been a few months since I have written anything and posted.  I have had a few paragraphs thrown together but none of them felt like complete thoughts worthy of posting for anyone to read.  It has proven to be another wild ride of school year.  I have my two boys in the same school which is a self transport, no lunch provided, get down and dirty while you play school.  The opportunity has been wonderful and the experience is one that my kids wont forget.  However, these things are added to my daily plate that is already teetering on an unsteady surface.  Our morning starts around 6:45 as i try to coax my boys out of bed and into their uniforms.  We get our backpacks ready and hunt down our breakfast.  We give hugs and say goodbye to whichever parent isn't doing the morning drive to drop off (I usually get to stay home to get sis ready and jake does the morning run).  The remaining parent packs lunches that will be brought with me when I clock in.  Then its time to get sis all dolled up and hunt down her backpack.  Thankfully she eats at school still but that doesn't stop her from opening up a pack of poptarts on a busy morning and taking a mouse sized bite and then setting them down to be forgotten.  She'll hop on the bus around 8:15 and then I'll either get myself ready and run errands or for a brief period of silence, jake and I will get to have an actual conversation that doesn't involve texting before he heads off to work. Sometimes there is nothing more enjoyable than a deep breath in the silence of your own home.   

    I am working part time again this year which has been a bit of a financial burden but it also allows me to play a more active role in my kids lives.  The lack of financial support from their father also plays into my stress level.  It would be great if I could rely on him for anything at this point but hes just not there yet.  His lack of responsibility has allowed me spend more time with my kids which is never a bad thing but I do feel for them when they are questioning why he isn't around as much anymore.  Our communication skills are nonexistent.  He is incapable of carrying on a civil conversation and that drags me down to his level more than I care to admit.  I don't understand how someone can be so wishy washy about being in their kids lives and it makes me want to rage.  I won't open that can of worms in this post or else i'll end up with a 10 page paper including sources and an index.  

     I have been in a relationship with my soulmate for 7 months now.  He has changed my world and the way i see it.  He is everything I have ever wanted in a partner.  I get mushy and glow a little when I think about him.  I am so spoiled emotionally!  I have never had someone actually care for me the way he does.  I cant of course forget to mention the love he has for my kids.  He shares the responsibility of them with me and I have never even asked him to.  He jumped into this life head first and has shown us unconditional love in a way we have never known.  Its amazing.  

My kids have made this adjustment fairly easily.  The boys have accepted jake as he is and love him completely.  It is the cutest thing!!  Scarlett however, is struggling to accept him as well as the boys.  She doesn't seem to realize that having two father figures is ok.  I am not sure if theses are things she is hearing from the other household or if its a genuine struggle in her own heart  I want her to be able to see how much jake has brought our family together and built it into everything I have ever hoped my family could be.  I always make this promise to myself that I am going to write more but life always seems to have a way of putting that by the wayside.  So here I am again telling myself that I need to take the time to write my thoughts down so that they don't take up as much room in my mind.  

You

Dear you, 

You didn't know what you were getting into did you?  You had no clue how fragile my heart was. How fucked up my mind was. You saw a pretty face. You read the funny texts. You knew there was baggage. You knew there was even a "few" kids involved.  You didn't know how deep all of it ran. But you stayed. You came into my life at a point where I had given up hope of the thought of ever having normal. I had given up my ideas that one day I'd find someone who would sweep me off my feet with his wit, sarcasm, and charm. His dedication to his job. His dedication to his family. And his ability to fix things. That's what you do though: you drink, know things, and occasionally fix things. 

I didn't know guys like you still existed. You told me these stories of how your exes had fought with you about things that seemed so trivial to me. They left you. How you couldn't be yourself. Then I met you and yourself is all I wanted you to be. 

You have this way about you that calms my soul. I could listen to you talk for hours. You've lived in ways I never had the chance to. You've given yourself away to girls who couldn't handle you. Fools. That's what they were. The way you hold my heart and the way you've started healing it has been the most incredible rollercoaster ride. If only they could have seen the bigger picture. They wouldn't have given you away so easily. But I am so glad they did. I'll forever be thankful for that. 

I love you. I love your laugh, I love your sarcasm, and I love how much you don't give a fuck. It's so easy to fall into your arms when you walk in from work. It's so easy to want to cook you a nice warm meal when you come home at night. It's easy to be open with you and show you things I've never given anyone before. You baby, you make life easy. You've given me more than I could have asked for and it's only the beginning. I cannot wait to see what life has in store for us. If there is such a thing as a soulmate well then I think I may have just found mine. 

New chapters

I'm up early this morning. Sitting here thinking about this chapter of my life. It's Father's Day and the father of my children is supposed to be picking them up to spend the day with them. I haven't heard from him in days. Our middle sons doctors called and gave me some pretty big medical news. I tried to call and text to discuss this with the other adult and received zero response. How can you step out of the picture like this? How can you be so content in your own life that you don't care about your kids lives?  He had them for 3 overnights last week. It was the longest 3 nights of my life. Sure it was a small break but it was the first time in 7 years that I had been away from my kids for any length of time. Now I can't tell you if that arrangement will stick. He hasn't mentioned it again. But I secretly hope it doesn't. I'm selfish in the way that I want my kids with me. They're taken care of and looked after 24/7 here. I don't know what goes on over there and that lack of control kills me.  I'm willing to give him a few over nights here and there but anything more might kill me.  It's summer now and I want them here with me. They're relearning and rebuilding their own lives after the disaster that was their dad moving out. I want to be with them to help them adjust and become ok with the arrangement. It hasn't been easy by any means but it has also been a breath of fresh air. 

Moving on to another section of this chapter: JP. There was a time in my life when I had decided no one would ever come along that would get me. Not as a mom, not as my emotional myself, and definitely not my physical self. I've always been so critical of myself and in such a closed off mode that I had given up looking for a guy who gets me. Then JP came along. He loves me, he loves my kids, and he tolerates my dog. He makes me laugh harder than I have in years! It's genuinely the most incredible feeling. Many years ago my best friend and I sat down and created this list of all the things we wanted in a husband. Our lists were quite different. Mine included things like: builds things, works hard, makes me laugh, and of course handsome. Oh how I searched for this man. Settling here and there. Finally settling for the longest darkest part of my life where I lost everything I was. Now though, now I'm finding myself again. My love for life has grown so much. Im happy and laughing. This guy has been around and somehow we never ran into each other. We somehow managed to date all the wrong people and try to force ourselves to be happy when all we needed to do was find each other!  This leads me to believe timing really is everything. Waiting and being patient could have saved me a lifetime of pain and heartache. But had I waited I wouldn't have had my beautiful kids. So instead of questioning why, I'll sit here and soak up this feeling. I don't know if this will stick. I don't know if he'll be "the one" but I think I'll be pretty damn happy if he is. Until that point though I'll keeping learning to love life again and keep rebuilding myself into a stronger kinder person.  My heart is finally learning to be whole again and it's about damn time. 

I stayed

I stayed. 

I grew up with this fantasy idea. Falling in love with someone who respects you and loves you for you. I thought that was how everyone was wired. I was wrong. High school was an example of that. All of these guys trying to pressure girls into giving themselves to them. Handing over their bodies. Why? Because that's what society says is normal now. Having sex in high school is normal. Being with multiple partners is normal. And maybe in some sense it could be. But for me it wasn't. I wanted to marry the man I gave myself to. I dated a few jerks and they all said the same things "stop living in a world of rainbows and butterflies." "Nobody waits for marriage anymore." "Grow up and get over your stuck up ideas of love..." it was hard to hear these things. So I thought I found love. I settled for the first guy who said he loved me for me. He didn't. We had kids together. It's been a painful 12 years of what most would call emotional abuse. But I stayed. Why? Because I was stuck on this idea of what my life needed to be like. I gave myself to this man. The only man I could be with.  Stuck in my own head for years. Something he knew. 

I stayed through the holes in my walls. I stayed through the nights of tears as my phone blew up from people who saw him out with other girls. I stayed through the embarrassing trips to the doctors trying to explain how I got an STD while in a committed relationship. 

Sometimes when I think about the last 12 years I feel like it could be some painful nightmare. I'm stronger than staying. I'm stronger than accepting less than I deserved. But you know what? I wasn't strong enough. I'm strong enough now. I left. I walked away from the abuse. I closed the door. I'm walking tall in a direction away from everything that caused me pain. I'm offering up a peaceful agreement for my kids. An easy custody arrangement for whatever allows my kids to be the happiest. I don't want money. I don't want excuses. I want my freedom. I want my strength back. No one knows what I've been through because I keep it to myself. I am a private person because I wanted to be strong enough on my own. I don't want to need anyone. I realize now I do need people. I need my support system. I've built a pretty rocking one if you ask me. But I'll still face ridicule. I'll face cruelty for my decision to leave. But just know that this is me saying to you "I'm stronger than your words. I'm stronger than your actions. I am stronger." You can take whatever you want away from this but just know: I am stronger. 

Here we go again...

Writing. It's in my blood. My grandmother has always expressed her thoughts, feelings, and wants by writing about them. Either true stories about her with my grandfather or short romantic stories about her as a young girl. She has always had a story to write. One day she opened up her portfolio of stories and let me read them. I felt like I was stepping into another life. Her words flowed so well and the stories were short but sweet. She inspired me to put pen to paper or well fingers to keyboard. I have always wanted to express myself in written words but have never been confident enough to follow through. A few of these blog posts here and there. An occasional rant on facebook. But never a solid written thought followed through with continued posts. Today however, I'll be beginning to step back into the world of writing and trying to push myself out of the small shell of a comfort zone that I live in. 

I can't even begin to tell you where I am in my life right now. The rollercoaster always seems to leave the station and head for the highest peak before I come rushing down into a comfortable spot for a brief period. Right now though I am teetering on that peak waiting for the relief from this financial burden that is my truck, the emotional train wreck that is my custody battle, and trying to find a balance in my social life and my life as a mom. To say I feel like my next breath will depend on when the cart goes crashing down this hill is an understatement. I'm not sure what's going to happen next. That fear can either control you or motivate you and right now I'm trying to let it motivate me. So here we go....