Long nights short days...

Man, lately it has been a rollercoaster.  Stress for everyone.  Sweet 2 has had a skin breakout that has lasted 3 weeks.  Its been the longest, hardest, and most emotional 3 weeks of my life.  No one was listening to me.  I have had zero medical help.  I called one of the big university hospitals here and BAM they were there, holding my hand.  I was about to cry on the phone when they said they would help (after being denied at a different hospital).  This is the break I have been praying for.  I can feel it.  I can feel God working through this.
Lately I've been back in church.  I am having a love hate relationship with it.  Its wonderful to be hearing the worship and the word of God but its hard being in the same room with everyone who had my life planned out in a completely different direction than it has come.  It lays on the guilt.  I do not regret a single moment in my life though.  I am happy.  I love my kids and I love my sweet yet VERY annoying SO.
He's currently on my bad side.  We have both been pushed over the edge with this entire sweet 2 situation.  It has not been easy communicating about money, medicine, appointments, or even dinner.  I love him and clearly am not going to let up without a fight but hes so good at pushing me away.  Im counting down the hours, minutes, and seconds until we can come up from under this wave of stress.
We see our allergist on monday and then head down to the big place on thursday.  Im praying and reminding myself to have FAITH that this is where we need to be.  I just wish these next few days would fly by.  It isnt easy being green.
Im going to try and write more often once we start seeing our new doctors. I want to keep a record of how things progress and what decisions are made.  I actually pulled my ipad up here and am going to get my blog on there so access is easier.  One day I'm going to make this a daily thing and I am going to stay on top of it.

Season changes...

When things happen that remind me why i left in the first place it makes it harder and harder to convince myself to stay.  My children are amazing and deserve a solid foundation.  Not one marred by anger and frustration.  I just want to be happy when I come home.  I want to feel wanted and respected.  After almost 10 years its hard to walk away but sometimes things cant change without a drastic decision.  I cant just sit here and expect someone to make me feel better.  I need to be on the same level with someone.  I need to have someone who raises me up and builds their life with me not away from me or out of spite towards me.  I just want to be on my own and work towards my goals.  Im torn between leaving this life which allows me to finish school and have all the time I want with my kids or taking charge, getting a job and moving forward on my own.  I cant make a pros and cons list right now because Im so blinded by hurt and anger that it would be a rash decision.  Im thankful for my sweet kids.  Im thankful to have a house and people who love me.  Im just not thankful that I put myself in this situation again.   3 kids later it might just be time to go separate ways and not look back.  I cant be held back by my own comfort.  Life isnt about being comfortable.  Life is about living and being happy.  I only hope that one day my boys will be real gentlemen and my sweet daughter finds a man who builds her up by respecting her and being her biggest fan.  I want to drill into her head that she doesnt need to settle for anything less than that.

April break through...

Well lately we have really been struggling with 1.  He has always been strong willed and in charge of himself as he see's it.  At times its been fantastic to have him be so independent.  But the independence has been exchanged for defiance and that is something i cannot have!  He has been showing 2 how to talk back and teaching him to ignore me as well.  Its been a battle for a week no.  He has a case of the "no's" its a pain in my behind!  I have found myself to be yelling more and more as he talks back and tries standing up to me.  Its hard to control once I fall back into my frustration zone.  However, today (after a parent teacher meeting this week) I decided to try a different approach.  His teacher had suggested starting the day with a plan.  Talking over what he wants to achieve today and how he thinks he can do it without trying my patience or getting in trouble.  So this morning thats exactly what we did.  I had him look me in the eyes and we started by agreeing he would use his quiet voice today.  This was a huge decision because he's a yeller when he gets excited.  After we talked about his inside voice I suggested he use his listening ears today.  He thought that sounded like a great idea too.  So we set off in our different ways, me to get ready and him to go play with 2 and 3.  We made it to lunch with little to no issues.  It wasn't until around 2 when we started to hit a wall.  3 was just going down for nap number 2.  1 was starting to get tired too so to keep himself from falling asleep he started acting up.  He got sort of loud and I just asked him what he had decided for a plan today.  He stopped and reminded both him and me.  It was nice to hear and he immediately sat down and started playing with toys instead.  Around this time 2 started acting out too to prevent himself from falling asleep.  I attempted to create a nap environment buuuuuut they both had different plans.  They played and finished up my recent obsession: Karen Kinsbury's recent series.  Over all today has been an eye opener to what getting along with my 4 year old can be like.  It was brilliant and left me looking forward to showing their dad just how different the kids act if we approach them with gentle direction and soft spoken words instead of anger and frustration.

One more day in the books

Its been a while since ive been able to blog and get my life off my chest.  We had our sweet girl this past summer.  Shes amazing.  She keeps me on my toes and helps ground me.  I was so stressed about 3 kids but its not as hard as I thought it would be.  I remind myself daily that this too shall pass.  There will come a day when my babies arent babies anymore.  They wont run around calling my name.  They wont need me anymore.  I mean they'll always need me but I wont always have all the answers.  They wont always tell me the sweet little things that are on their minds.  Im sure i'll be wrestling even the smallest thoughts out of their mouths.  I read an article recently labeled "3 Year olds are assholes" while the name sounds outrageous at first, after you read it you realize its all in good fun.  I dont agree with anything in the article however.  I know kids are hard.  They break you and beat you up emotionally and mentally.  But you know they also build you up.  They may worsen an already stressful day but they also remind you to take a second and breathe.  Tonight 1 and 2 were really pushing it.  They took at hour to go to bed even though they were clearly exhausted.  The woke up baby 3 twice.  I was literally at my breaking point with tears in my eyes.  I told 1 how upset i was and the look on his face was heartbreak.  The guilt immediately consumed me.  I feel more guilt some days than i do any other feelings.  I say the wrong things, feel the wrong things, and hold onto the wrong things.  I should be finding joy where i can instead of focusing on the short hour that I waste being angry.  I hate it.  I know tomorrow is a new day but today feels wasted.  We recently started eating dinner all 5 of us at one table.  It has drastically changed our evenings.  We sit and we can talk to number 1 about his day.  We can hear about school.  Number 2 sits and serenades us while we eat some off the wall toddler favorite that we just had last week.  These days wont last.  These short hours will feel like a a brief second when i look back at them.  Im challenging myself daily to breathe through the rough patches.  I let myself cry just to relieve the tension that I have built up all day and let me tell you how much that can turn a day around.  I may be doing this on my own emotionally but it is making me stronger and helping me to grasp these moments and enjoy them.  No more wasted days, hours, or even minutes.