Season changes...

When things happen that remind me why i left in the first place it makes it harder and harder to convince myself to stay.  My children are amazing and deserve a solid foundation.  Not one marred by anger and frustration.  I just want to be happy when I come home.  I want to feel wanted and respected.  After almost 10 years its hard to walk away but sometimes things cant change without a drastic decision.  I cant just sit here and expect someone to make me feel better.  I need to be on the same level with someone.  I need to have someone who raises me up and builds their life with me not away from me or out of spite towards me.  I just want to be on my own and work towards my goals.  Im torn between leaving this life which allows me to finish school and have all the time I want with my kids or taking charge, getting a job and moving forward on my own.  I cant make a pros and cons list right now because Im so blinded by hurt and anger that it would be a rash decision.  Im thankful for my sweet kids.  Im thankful to have a house and people who love me.  Im just not thankful that I put myself in this situation again.   3 kids later it might just be time to go separate ways and not look back.  I cant be held back by my own comfort.  Life isnt about being comfortable.  Life is about living and being happy.  I only hope that one day my boys will be real gentlemen and my sweet daughter finds a man who builds her up by respecting her and being her biggest fan.  I want to drill into her head that she doesnt need to settle for anything less than that.

April break through...

Well lately we have really been struggling with 1.  He has always been strong willed and in charge of himself as he see's it.  At times its been fantastic to have him be so independent.  But the independence has been exchanged for defiance and that is something i cannot have!  He has been showing 2 how to talk back and teaching him to ignore me as well.  Its been a battle for a week no.  He has a case of the "no's" its a pain in my behind!  I have found myself to be yelling more and more as he talks back and tries standing up to me.  Its hard to control once I fall back into my frustration zone.  However, today (after a parent teacher meeting this week) I decided to try a different approach.  His teacher had suggested starting the day with a plan.  Talking over what he wants to achieve today and how he thinks he can do it without trying my patience or getting in trouble.  So this morning thats exactly what we did.  I had him look me in the eyes and we started by agreeing he would use his quiet voice today.  This was a huge decision because he's a yeller when he gets excited.  After we talked about his inside voice I suggested he use his listening ears today.  He thought that sounded like a great idea too.  So we set off in our different ways, me to get ready and him to go play with 2 and 3.  We made it to lunch with little to no issues.  It wasn't until around 2 when we started to hit a wall.  3 was just going down for nap number 2.  1 was starting to get tired too so to keep himself from falling asleep he started acting up.  He got sort of loud and I just asked him what he had decided for a plan today.  He stopped and reminded both him and me.  It was nice to hear and he immediately sat down and started playing with toys instead.  Around this time 2 started acting out too to prevent himself from falling asleep.  I attempted to create a nap environment buuuuuut they both had different plans.  They played and finished up my recent obsession: Karen Kinsbury's recent series.  Over all today has been an eye opener to what getting along with my 4 year old can be like.  It was brilliant and left me looking forward to showing their dad just how different the kids act if we approach them with gentle direction and soft spoken words instead of anger and frustration.