One

One and I started our new school journey this week and it was a difficult start. I thought this new school was the answer to all our issues. Instead it created new ones. The one room causes chaos in Ones head and the age difference in all the students causes him to struggle to make friends. Academically he's right up with the older kids. Socially he's with the younger kids. He can't seem to reach a medium. He had outbursts which led to me having to leave my position to go and collect him and bring him back.

 I finally looked past my denial and reached out for help. After many tears and lots of guilt the doctor and I came up with a plan. We started it this weekend to see if it will help in the classroom on Monday. Yesterday he sat still. He wasn't jumping he wasn't yelling. He didn't make this obnoxious noise that he makes when he gets worked up and is about to melt down. He didn't fight with his siblings. Today is day 2. I get to monitor and see how much it helps. 

I struggled so much with this decision so very much. As a single mom making life choices for your kids isn't something that you can get input on. This is something that I get to sit with myself and research on. Society places so much guilt on parents. However, my pediatrician comforted me in my guilt reminding me that it isn't because of something I did or didn't do, but because his brain is in fact wired this way. Sensory processing disorder, ADHD, and anxiety have led us here. If I'm being honest I can tell you the sensory processing is most certainly inherited from me. My quirks are his quirks. My sensory issues are his. The only difference is there was no help for me when I was a child. I was just taught to live with it. His doctor told me that she knows I have reached out and tried everything I could. I've asked for help from every avenue. This wasn't a spur of the moment decision it was a last resort. 

I know I'll get over the guilt when I can watch him flourish in social settings and I can see his personal growth. But for now I'm taking it one day at a time. Wondering and always questioning: am I doing this right?