What if I talk about myself for once. Take a look at my own life. Here I am on the verge of my 27th birthday and I know nothing. 10 years ago I thought I had my life figured out. I thought I would marry my high school sweetheart. We would build our life together and raise kids. I'd be a social worker by now. Saving kids from lives I thought I'd know better than to raise kids in. I'd have the white picket fence, fancy clothes, happy healthy kids. I got one thing right. My kids are happy, mostly healthy, and amazing.
I'm glad I never got married. I didn't spend the large amount of money to impress a few hundred people just to have it fail. I'm glad we fell flat on our faces. I'm not thankful for the few times I was dragged through the mud for his own search for happiness. I can't say I've been much better. For the people who can make the high school sweethearts thing work that is amazing and I applaud you. For those who are kicking themselves because they couldn't, don't beat yourself up. It isn't in the cards for everyone. We tried. We were two completely different souls looking for happiness in the wrong place. I think you can love someone and still hurt them. I do. I think when everyone says, "well if he hurt you then he didn't love you!" they are wrong and trying to change the facts. I think he loves me. I also think that maybe he loves his own needs a little more. I think that's ok. I've accepted it. I wish he could! I think as humans we search for what makes us truly happy. I think we find things that grant temporary happiness and instead of letting them teach us and letting go, we cling to them. We cling to the comfort and the sameness of the situation. It took me a long time to realize you can be truly happy with someone and then grow apart. It sucks. I loved him truly and deeply. More than myself most days. But I also love his need for happiness. I need him to be happy. I need to be happy.
So why now, at 27, am I just realizing that? Maybe it's my age. Maybe it's the life lessons. Maybe it's just the realization that I cannot keep allowing myself to believe that we are still the same kids we were at 16 and 18! I have the ability to grow from all of this. To build myself into a new stronger person. A happy person. I need to be happy. I'll get there. These 3 weeks have been amazing. I have made a schedule for the kids, learned not to be afraid to ask for help, gained new strong friendships, and grown. I want to keep growing.
Onward and upward. Into a beautiful summer of 2016 ✌🏻️
No comments:
Post a Comment