There are some days that I wake up and I don't hear from my anxiety once. My day goes smoothly, the kids get along, and nothing seems to stand in my way. Then there are days where my anxiety is what wakes me up. I wake up in a sweat or unable to breathe. Anxiety is unfortunately part of me. It is wired into my brain and twisted up in my DNA. My grandma struggles with her anxiety daily. She doesn't sleep, she spends some days in a cloud of panic, and there are some things that are so small that will set it off for her. She is undoubtedly one of the strongest women in my life. She has made it through her 72 years of her life without medications. She has held herself together without reaching out. As a child I saw her anxiety in a different light. I saw her anxiety as her just caring a little more than others. I saw her request for a phone call when I arrived home safely as just her caring. I didn't realize that if I didnt call it would eat her alive. Now, as a mom I can put myself in her shoes. I get anxiety as my boyfriend leaves for work. His job isn't one that just anyone could do. He does put himself in the front lines of danger. When 9:55 comes around I begin to pace a little, waiting for him to get home. He recently told me of a coworker being attacked at work and that has made things worse.
Aside from that every Thursday (on the thursdays their dad can be a functional adult) I have to say goodbye to my kids. I say goodbye to them for 2 full days. I go home from work to a quiet house. Its deafening most days. I find busy work or I find friends to spend some time with. Every third thursday or so, its date night. We head to town and grab dinner. We wander around meijer and try to keep ourselves busy. During the times that they are gone my anxiety is on high alert. Watching my phone in case something happens. Anxiety can be tricky though. It disguises itself in many different ways. A tight chest, exhaustion, insomnia, fast heart rate, irritability. These are just a few that I have more often than not. Tightness of chest gets me almost every single time. I feel like I am suffocating. The only thing I can do to stop it is to breathe. Deep, slow breaths. I should get medication. Truly and honestly I know I would benefit from it. I might be a better more, a more patient teacher, a happier girlfriend. But there are always the side effects that could make things worse. When I chose to try medicine 10 years ago, the first few I tried were terrible. I got headaches, I was tired, dizzy, and unable to motivate myself. The medicine that was successful was Paxil. It did everything I needed it to. The annoying anxious voice in the back of my mind was quiet. I was fun, outgoing, and had energy! I didn't feel like I was suffocating. However, I do sometimes think that the way it altered my brain while using it, lead me to make decisions that werent the best. That small thought is what keeps me from trying it again. So for now I do exactly what they tell you not to: I rely on myself to pull through. I breath, count to 10, and focus on anything but the monster living in my mind. I am thankful that my boyfriend knows how often my anxiety gets the best of me and he does what he can to remind me that I am going to be ok, I am doing the best I can, and I deserve to be happy.
I realize not everyone can have this sort of support system so I am asking that if anxiety is something that drags you down, ruins your days, and hurts your life then please dont be afraid to reach out to a doctor. If you had a broken arm would you just leave it and hope for the best? No, you would go to the doctor for help. Please realize that these medications are there to help you repair your mind. They are there to strengthen you. Fuck society and the bullshit out there regarding mental help. You deserve to have a happy healthy mind.
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