I feel like I always find myself wanting to write but I never have the actual time to do so. A lot has happened since I last sat down to write. That seems to be the theme here. I don't write as often as I'd like and BAM everything piles up and I have so much to write about.
Since the new year began I have gotten engaged, decided to change jobs one last time, and put a hold on returning to college until I truly know what degree I'd like to pursue. Its been a year since Jake and I have met and he is incredible. He has taken on a strong parenting role with my kids and refers to them as his own now. He has asked me to take his last name and of course that is a day that can't come fast enough. He has brought so much fresh air and sunlight into our lives that I can't even remember what life was like before him.
I have decided after an almost solid 4 months at headstart, that I am not cut out for that style of teaching or that age of kids. It is one of the most difficult jobs I have ever had. I reached out to my previous boss and let her know how interested I was in returning to the school. She offered me my previous position and full time hours through the end of the school year. I was relieved to have that opportunity to return. Next school year I will have all 3 of my kids attending the school so it will be great to just drive to school with them and stay.
Now for an update on the coparenting homefront. I have learned a lot and realized that copareting with a narcissist doesn't work. I am just floating along and tiptoeing around him to prevent a blow up. We return to our final court date in May and from there hopefully things will smooth out. He informed me last week that him and his current girlfriend are now expecting their own child. To say I'm surprised would be a lie. With all the other actions and poor decisions he has made it was truly just a matter of time. I say that with a feeling of sadness though. Sadness for my own children. This chaos he has put them through was hard enough but now to throw another child into their lives is a little careless. All I can do is try to explain to them what this means and love them through it. I cannot imagine it will be an easy transition for them. I cant say that Jake and I haven't talked about having a child of our own because of course we have. He doesn't have any children of his own and I would love to share in that intimate life decision with him more than anything however, we will at that time be married and together for a while. Life is a crazy ride and we are really just here going with the flow that our decisions lead us to.
There are days where I sit and my anxiety has me flashed forward years to where my kids will have that court given choice to where they choose where they want to spend a majority of their time. I am terrified. I realize that the days for that are years away but still in the silence when they are gone with their dad I imagine that being my every day reality and I don't want that. I remind myself that all I can do is build them a life where they are always welcomed, always loved, and always offered a roof over their head. I want my door to always be open for my kids. I want their thoughts when they are scared or confused to be, "I need to call mom so she can help me figure this out." Or if they need help I want them to always search me out and know that I will do whatever I can to protect them. Parenting is hard. The fact that it is 2018 and they still don't have handbooks for this is ridiculous haha. But truly, no one really tells you how much of your time you'll spend wondering if you're doing this right or if you are loving your kids enough. I wouldn't trade being a mom for anything in the world though. It is the happiest role I have in my life right now.
If anyone out there is struggling with the same situation just know that if you're worried about if you're doing it right then you probably are already doing the best you can for your kids.
Hopefully it wont be too long before I can get back on here to update! And who knows, maybe the next time I get on it might actually be spring time and maybe the snow will be melted! Fingers crossed!
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